Ohio State Stories

Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio:

You might be from Ohio (pronounced A-hi-uh), if:
You think professional football teams are supposed to wear orange.
You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
Toward the lake means north and toward the river means south.
You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
Vacation means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
You measure distance in minutes.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You’ve had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example: Where’s my coat at?
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what ‘pop’ is.
You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.
You actually get these jokes.

You know you’re from Columbus, Ohio when:

The fact that the German Village Oktoberfest is in September (and not in German Village…) seems perfectly normal.

You beam with pride that we’re the hometown of Wendy’s, White Castle, Rax Roast Beef, Bob Evans and & Donato’s. But you wonder why we’re the 8th fattest city in America.

You remember very vividly City Center & Northland.

You know how to pronounce Scioto and Olentangy.

You go to The Memorial Tournament at Muirfield just to see and be seen, and you’ve been rained on there at least once.

You see nothing unusual about a street being called East North Broadway.

You live in the suburbs but your backyard was actually a cornfield last year.

That complex on the corner with the CVS, Blockbuster and Kroger? That was a cornfield last year, too! As you lament the loss of all those cornfields, you see the infinite wisdom of Dublin City Council, who spent over $60,000 on a field of 10′ concrete corn ears.

You know all of the 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction.

You drive 3 hours to see Red White & Boom for 15 minutes…and 4 hours back. But you live 12 minutes away.

You know what a real buckeye is and have a recipe for the candy ones.

You take it for granted that screaming O-H …anytime, anywhere…will get a reply from a stranger saying I-O!

You don’t consider it terribly strange that The Dispatch covers national and international news in a page or two…but requires 6 pages for sports (and 3 of those just for the Bucks).

You consider going to the Zoo in winter VERY normal…and we’re talking real winter..ice and snow and stuff…not just the month of December. And you stopped noticing Jack Hanna’s lisp years ago.

You have a Buckeye necklace.

You think 45 degree weather is justification enough to go through the car wash!

You call it pop. Soda is for weirdos.

You get chills when you hear Carmen Ohio.

You know that Wyandot Lake is NOT a body of water, and Mad River Mountain is not really a mountain.

You say Kroger’s …although proper English would be Kroger.

You can see a building downtown…but you can’t get there due to 500 million one-way streets!

You consider this weather pretty much normal:

Monday: 30 degrees

Tuesday: 70 degrees

Wednesday: 45 degrees and humid

Thursday: -10 wind chill

Friday: 80 degrees and sunny

Though there’s not a snowball’s chance…the guys like to pretend that all those Victoria’s Secret models actually live here, just because the company’s based here.

You take it as a matter of fact that if you don’t like the weather today …stick around, it’ll change! One out of every 5 cars has something Buckeye on it.

You remember Flippo and Luci’s Toy Shop.

Your big Christmas event as a kid was seeing the window decorations and visiting Santa at Downtown Lazarus.

You were surprised that there is ANOTHER Hoover Dam in the country.

You know full well that people drive 10 mph with the first dusting of snow and 65 mph with 2 feet of snow.

You’ve never even stopped to question the fact that a bunch of businesses close down on every OSU football game day.

You know what The Hospital Curve is.

You think the standard protocol for a tornado warning is…to grab lawn chairs and head for the front porch.

You drive down 670 with your windows open to smell the fresh bread from the Wonder Bread factory and the cinnamon rolls from the Kroger bakery.

You think there’s nothing strange about the city of Westerville being Northeast of Columbus.

You’re fully confident that the word Columbus should always be followed by Ohio.

You know you’re from Ohio if…

You don’t think of Florida first when someone mentions Miami.

You snicker when someone’s from Tiffin, because you think of the State Hospital.

You think Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!

You’ve heard of 3.2% beer.

Schools close for the state basketball tournament. Deer season, too.

You’re proud of your state fair, but would rather go to Cedar Point.

You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.

You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.

“Toward the lake” means “north” and “toward the river” means “south.”

You’ve heard of the Great Nickel Beer Night Riot.

You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.

You root for a college team though you’ve never taken a class there.

You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, and Tuscarawas *(Wapakoneta?) and you know which letter is doubled in “Cincinnati.”

You always visit more than two amusement parks in one summer.

You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by snakes.

You know what game they’re playing when the Mud Hens take on the Clippers.

“Vacation” means spending a day at Cedar Point or King’s Island.

You measure distance in minutes.

Down south to you means Kentucky.

Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: “Where’s my coat at?” You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You know what pop is.

You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

You think that deer season is a national holiday.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the most popular band in the country.

You’re a Buckeye if someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

When someone refers to the current season, you have no idea if they mean spring, summer, fall, winter or football.

You live in Columbus and don’t turn on the news until 20 minutes past the hour, because that’s the only thing you care about anyway.

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Ohio. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so. It’s a 10 hour drive.”

“Don’t worry about it Dad, I’ll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”

“I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh Dad,” replies Susan, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington.”

“Honey,” Dad complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you eat.”

The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington; I’ll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.”

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president’s Dad and Mom.

Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.”

The Senator whispers back, “You bet I do.”

Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football at Ohio State.”

When the Heisman trophy winner died and was at the pearly gates, St Peter asked what he had accomplished to be allowed in. The football player responded with all of his awards, yardage gained, etc and suddenly stopped short screaming “Look it is Woody Hayes” as the man passed by him. St Peter then corrected him saying, “No, it is God…He only thinks he is Woody Hayes”

What is the Ohio State Bird?—–Cardinal
What is the Ohio State Flower?——-Carnation
What is the Ohio State Tree——–Buckeye
What is the Ohio State Wine?——–Beat Michigan!

I’ve lived through Woody’s on-field tackle
I’ve lived through Bruce and Cooper
But Tressel’s tattoo cover-up
Is yet the biggest blooper

Each morning on the sport’s page
I read the latest ban
Is it any wonder I’ve become
A closet Buckeye fan

But misery does love company
Or so the saying goes
So thank you Moenters
We’re here to share our woes

by Lois Hoeffel at the 2011 Football Kick Off Party

No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when the OSU Buckeyes are winning.

George finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies… nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asked her, Where did you come from? How did you get here? I rowed over from the other side of the island, she says. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.

Amazing, he says. You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you. Oh, this? replies the woman. I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree. But … but … that’s impossible, stutters George. You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage? Oh, no problem, replies the woman.

On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. George is stunned. Let’s row over to my place, she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As George looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink? No, no thank you, he says, still dazed. I can’t take any more coconut juice. It’s not coconut juice, the woman replies. I built a still. How about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.

No longer questioning anything, George goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. WOW! This woman is amazing, he muses, What next? When he returns, she greets him wearing ‘nothing but vines’ strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. Tell me, she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, We’ve been out here for a really long time. I know you’ve been lonely.

There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know… She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing! You mean…. he swallows excitedly, We can watch The Ohio State games from here?

An Ohio State Buckeye fan is drinking in a New York bar, watching the Buckeyes when he gets a call on his mobile.

With a big grin on his face, he orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar.

This is cause to celebrate he tells everyone, because not only as my wife just given birth, but it’s a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe a new baby can weigh 25 pounds.

That doesn’t faze the Ohio State fan who says, “That’s just about average. My son is a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy. He’s going to be an Ohio State football player.”

He got congratulations from all around from everyone. A woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

A couple of weeks later the Ohio State fan returned to the bar. The bartender remembered him and said, “Aren’t you the father of that typical Ohio State Buckeye baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?”

He proudly answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender now is a little suspicious. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth!”

The father takes a swig of his beer and leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

Relationships…

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn’t say anything about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could have some more privacy. We went to a quiet little restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn’t really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me.

I didn’t know what that meant because he didn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he’s seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

The Buckeyes lost. Got lucky though.

A guy dies and goes to heaven. There he is met by St. Pete. St. Pete welcomes him to heaven and shows him around. The guy is amazed at what is in heaven. The last place St. Pete takes the guy is to this football game. It is in a horseshoe shaped stadium. As they are watching the game the man notices a tubby man with a white shirt, black tie, and black hat running up and down the sideline ranting and raving. The man looks at St. Pete and asks, Who is that madman? St. Pete answers, Oh, that’s God. But he thinks he’s Woody Hayes.